Loving You

One of my favorite TV shows is RuPaul's Drag Race. At the end of every show, RuPaul's ends with the words "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?" That always resonated with me because I knew from first hand experience how true that was.

I feel very fortunate to have found love but I almost blew it several times because I was never sure what to do with it. When you've conditioned your mind to being mistreated, you tend to regard kindness and love with suspicion. After all, it isn't what you've come to know. 

We tend to gravitate towards things that confirm our own deeply held opinions. Even though I'm a beautiful and brilliant woman (I'm not even going to pretend to be modest here), I found myself partnering with people who were jealous and controlling, who were listless and uninspiring, who engaged in their own downward spirals of self-destruction, who were even ashamed to be seen in public with me. Each interaction fed into my already low opinion of myself. 

I couldn't return affection even if I wanted to because in my mind, I wasn't worth being in a relationship with and that's exactly how I acted.

Until I met someone who, relentlessly, showed me love even when I was in no position to return it and even though I felt my heart swell with so much emotion and affection, I couldn't let myself love him properly because I was convinced he was too good for me. Every little mistake I made weighed heavy on my conscious because, as far as I was concerned, it was solid proof that he made a HUGE mistake and that he could do much better than me.

I didn't know how to be loved because I couldn't see why anyone would want to love me. I was a broken, used woman. Why would anybody want me?

I didn't even want myself.

I had built a wall between myself and the man I loved because I wanted to protect him from me. I didn't realize I was trying to protect myself. I was so frightened of being treated with kindness that I pushed away and hid from it. He responded by loving me harder which frustrated me more. Where was the anger? The rage? Why wouldn't he walk away?

Stupid man, I told myself. What's wrong with YOU?

Then finally I asked myself, "What's wrong with me?"

I've slowly began tearing down the walls I had erected between us and I found that the more I healed, the easier it was for me to love. These days I feel like I've fallen in love all over again. The feel of it overwhelms me and some nights I burst out in tears. It just feels wonderful to begin to see the wonderful woman that he'd been telling me about the whole time. She really is one hell of a woman.

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